Women as Mentors
This is the first blog post I’ve written in awhile. Rather, it’s the first post that I’ve shared in awhile – I’ve written plenty. But I was challenged by a friend recently as to why I’m so reluctant to put myself out there, and it sent me down a rabbit hole questioning “what is it that holds me back?” And then deeper still into the concept of women as mentors and positive role models for each other.
So, what holds me back?
Without going too deep into the concepts of limiting beliefs and vulnerability, here are a few thoughts:
1. Why would anyone care what I have to say? They’re all busy out there doing their own thing, and my insights have no relevancy in their world.
2. What if people disagree with my thoughts and opinions, especially other women? I mean, the last thing any of us need are more unsolicited opinions, and whether we like to admit it or not, we can be very judgemental of others.
3. What if I accidentally offend someone by using the wrong pronoun or make a politically incorrect comment? How can I possibly be sensitive to all the nuances of communication with everything that’s going on these days?
4. I am actually a fairly private person—really! I don’t need the approval of others and am happy to have my own ideas without needing to share each and every one.
I can address each of these logically and even coach others on how to overcome such thoughts—but it doesn’t mean I’m impervious to them. In the end though, I know that if my ideas can help or inspire just one person, then it’s worth putting myself out there. If my wisdom, successes, failures and experiences—as a woman in business, an entrepreneur, a friend, a mother—all of it! If I can let others know that someone else gets it, gets them, then not only should I share, but how dare I not?
Which brings me to my next topic.
What are women really looking for in a mentor or a positive role model?
When I began my career eons ago, working in what I called the blue suit world of corporate consulting, I found that I was more comfortable working with men than women. Without diving into my childhood, suffice it to say that I felt a need to prove myself to the men in my life and to make sure that anything they could do I could do better—or at least on par. Not only that, but I wanted to make damn sure I wasn’t mistaken for a girly girl or someone who couldn’t control her emotions at work.
Some 30 years later, 20 of which have been spent as a small business owner working primarily with women, I realize how misdirected I really was. The issue all along wasn’t so much about being accepted by the men, but by the fact that I felt alone, and had no women mentors to learn from. For every dozen men that I respected in leadership roles – not just in my office but in the world as a whole, there might be one woman I could relate to. And that’s probably stretching it.
From the men who inspired me I was primarily focused on their business mastery. But from a female role model I expected someone who could show me how to do it all—have an interesting career path that I could aspire to as well as a family, balance, free time, friends and fun. Not only someone who excelled at work, but who also prepared home-cooked meals, ran marathons, spent quality time with their kids, was there for friends and family to lean on, looked fantastic and found time for personal growth and joy in their lives. It sounds exhausting, but what I really wanted was for someone to carve a path for the life I wanted for myself. Someone who had it all figured out and could be my guide.
I realize now that my mentor is actually my own higher self. I am the one, and all answers lie within. That doesn’t mean I can’t learn from others—in fact Arlene Dickinson once said that “a mentor is the person sitting next to you”. I love that. Everyone has something to share that you can learn from: an experience, a success or failure, a story that might spark something inside of you if you simply open up and listen.